Erection, not that kind

Someday, I hope to work in an environment where employees’ emotions are not dictated by the day of the month. It’s month end and as usual, everyone is freaking out, grumpy, and on edge which makes my job miserable. My supervisor is telling me to do one thing and telling the floor personnel to do another. Ok, I realized you have no idea what I am talking about... what else is new, right? I admit, I don't always make sense... but when you're as incredibly attractive as I am, it's not really expected.

So here’s the deal. I was told on Tuesday that I am now in charge of a major expansion project… and yesterday, I was informed, “Oh, and by the way, the construction crews are showing up on Tuesday… this Tuesday – be ready. The problem is the area in question is full of product, processing lines, and workstations… all which needs to be cleared out and since this weekend is a holiday so no one is scheduled to work. Awesome. Basically, I have today and tomorrow to get our shit together. However, it's month end, so no one will give up the resources to do the work and my supervisor is backing that decision. Well, fuck if it’s going to be my ass on the line when the erection crew shows on Tuesday and we’re not ready. And yes, I said erection.

The day has finally passed

Hard drugs, soft drugs, and alcohol are not singularly bad for you, within reason, of course. However, I can assure you a cocktail of the three is bad… very, very bad. Against better judgment, I decided I could handle all three – within about 90 minutes of each other. Again, this is bad, very, very bad. After a couple lines, some weed, and a few very stiff mixed drinks, I was ready to party; I even made it downtown. Unfortunately, forty-five minutes and ½ a drink later, it hit me. I don’t know what “it” is but “it” is bad, very, very bad.

At this point, I told my friends, “I’m pretty messed up. I think I need to go home.” They responded by buying me another shot. This decision was bad, very, very bad. Normally, I have an extremely rosy complexion (thank you, ye olde country) so when my face turned the shade of my white top, they finally began to listen to my pleas for mercy… and for transportation to a critical care center. Then came the sweats.

So, there I sat – eyes barely open, ghostly white face, sweating like a pig, and listening to my friends talk about me but not quite being in the moment enough to respond – have you seen those HBO specials? Yeah, I was “that chick.” Sadly, this is how the birthday celebration concluded and there is no one to blame but myself... work – church (post about that later) – and getting too messed up to have fun.

As for Sunday, the actual day of my birth – as I said, I went to the baseball game alone and the Twins played like crap. On a bright note, I received a call from two of my friends who previously weren’t speaking to me. (An incident that if I spoke about here could result in my prosecution in 17 states.) All has been remedied and they are solely responsible for saving me from my pity party and salvaging the birthday. I should’ve left well enough alone but I checked my email… thanks to my complete dickhead ex-whatever, he managed to mar the day and round the weekend off miserably.

Thanks to most of you for the birthday well wishes. Only 364 days until I can feel sorry for myself again. I’m sure I’ll find some other ways to keep myself overweight, undersexed, and completely fabulous until then.

It's my birthday...

Anyone want to go to the Twins / Sox game?? Anyone? Anyone.... hello...? Yeah, didn't think so.

Fuck birthdays.

I give up. The people I care about are totally shitting on me one-by-one for this weekend and I have been desperately pining for a way to make that a light-hearted post and articulate it in a way that doesn't make me seem so upset by it. But my attempts have been futile, probably because I am fucking upset and pretty saddened by the whole damn thing, so you know what - Everyone can just kiss my ass.

Steaming on Friday

I really wanted to post something fun earlier this week, but I was very uninspired. So now you get a forced, unfun post; sorry. Ok, let the bitching ensue…


This weekend is going to be fairly non-existent for me. Not only will I rack up 16 hours bartending, I’ve also been told I’ll need to come in and provide engineering support to a facility we just opened this week. Understandable if this were my assignment and not a result of the other engineer not keeping her shit together. From what I understand the whore-bag engineer whose responsibility it is to support that building couldn’t find a fucking babysitter and obviously, I’m pissed. Give me a break - there is no way she couldn’t find a babysitter. I’m 97.4% sure she didn’t even bother to look… and you know, why the fuck would she?! She certainly doesn’t want to give up her Saturday and Sunday?!

I don't mind working but I do mind when it's a result of another peron's laziness, excuses, and overall poor life choices.

Liberation!!

Last night, I turned my cell phone on after leaving it turned off for the better part of the last three days and to be honest, it was quite liberating. Sure I missed some calls, but since I’m on my e-mail almost 10 hours of every day, I’m easily within reach. It was just so nice not to be bound by something. I wasn’t worried about missed calls, obnoxious rings, rude behavior, or where I’d misplaced the damn thing – I was just living. Yeah, I think I am going to be all about that more often.

Three Words.

You've Been Warned. I am starting my diet today so for the next few weeks, until my body has adjusted to the malnutrition and tasteless food, I will most likely be borderline unbearable. But like my herpes outbreaks, this too shall pass.

On Friday, I was asked to be in a close friend’s wedding. And while she isn’t getting married until April (in Los Cabos, Mexico), I need to start now. It’s not that I am that fat (although I am), but it takes time to lose weight in a healthy way (opposed to snorting my dinner and supplementing it with 3400 calories of liquor) Oh, and did I mention the other bridesmaid is a size two with perfect breasts? …Or that the bride herself is a size zero with perfect (albeit fake) breasts? …Or that I’ll be standing next to her brother, a model in NYC. Yeah, so there’s that.

While I have been in dozens of weddings, this one is different. Not only do I have to be stuffed (literally, I’m sure) in a dress picked out by a size 0, this wedding is also an elite guest list of people I've known nearly all my life. My friends and I have forever been held to a certain standard and I certainly do not want to be the dissappointment of the bunch. It's bad enough I am an engineer and not a doctor (I wish I were fucking kidding - 2 dentists, 3 doctors, 1 lawyer and me).

Obstacle 2: Finding a Date. Everyone attending is either married or in a serious relationship, with the exception of yours truly. With the added romanticism of the wedding being in Cabo, I REFUSE to go alone... and be this chick. Remember, this is a wedding with friends and parents I’ve grown up with, so I can’t take just anyone – he must meet the high standards of social decorum and class that is expected... or be really, really hot. Since I've had so much success landing this type of guy in the last 10 years, finding him in the next eight months should be no problem... especially when you're as strikingly good looking as I am. I have no doubt the pleasure of my company for four alcohol-filled days in beautiful Mexico is enough to draw in the right guy, but if not... All Expenses Paid.

Lonesome Road

I thought I would get to this earlier this week, but I didn't; sorry about that, folks. I am still in a bit of a funk. It’s funny though, I don’t know the last time I felt this blue and as a result, I’ve been working out harder this week than I have in months. There is a part of me that thinks the endorphins will eventually overpower my psyche and naturally bring me out of my low. The jury’s still out.

For the first weekend in months, my schedule is actually open, with the exception of working at the bar tonight. So, I guess it’s not really all that open. A group of us were planning on taking out the boat tomorrow but the planets did not align and we are all going our separate ways. The weekend doesn’t have to be a total loss, though. I’ve never really had what you Westerners call “friends” so I can easily go back to binging, boozing, smoking bowls, and urinating in a Pakistani cab all by myself.

There is a small chance I will break from my gluttonous lifestyle and drive up to see Iowa City Guy (the new name for Wedding/Boating/SoDak dude). But after a long drive on both our parts last weekend, neither of us wants to bite the bullet and take another road trip again this weekend.

All-in-all, have a good one. You can find me passed out in the alley behind your house.

It was just that good.

You’ll have to forgive my neglect the past few days, er, week. I know I usually post womthing on Monday, but there hardly was a Monday for me. I woke up in Iowa City and drove my ass back to the great Chicagoland area. I went into work just long enough to return my supervisor’s e-mails and go to lunch. After that, I took a nap and bartended 5-close. Solid, Nicole – real solid. Yesterday was just a bad day – work morale is close to an all-time low for me. But today is Wednesday, a new day; I’ll be lucky if I make it through lunch.

The weekend was a glorious one indeed. Haciendas Las Glorias + KJ, Bracco, "Carl", Granite City, Avery, Nyeman, Nutty's, and Roy. I’m not going to go into details as some things you just wouldn’t understand.

I’ll try to shake the funk I’m in and get something new and fun out tomorrow and/or Friday. I am in all-day meetings those days, but for y’all – I’ll try to make it work.

Red Orange Yellow

Ok – it’s past 2 mutherfucking A M and I am at work. I am so pissed off right now, you have no fucking idea. The bitch engineer told me how important it was for me to be here tonight and sure as shit, she has not done one damn thing she needed me here for. Total fucking bullshit. So, not only was tonight totally unproductive, we have to do it all over again tomorrow; hopefully, with better results. Since I am a glass-half-full kind of gal, there is an up side to all of this and that is when I work nights, I get Friday off and since I’m pissed off about the absurd number of hours I’ll be putting in tonight leading into tomorrow (18 hrs today 7pm-1:15pm and then back at 6:00pm to midnight), I’m casually taking Thursday off, as well.

With two blissful bonus days, I’m setting my sights on SoDak. I’m hitching a ride with the wedding / boat guy and I have every intention of spending countless hours drinking, snorting, and smoking myself stupid. I can’t fucking wait.