Three Words.

You've Been Warned. I am starting my diet today so for the next few weeks, until my body has adjusted to the malnutrition and tasteless food, I will most likely be borderline unbearable. But like my herpes outbreaks, this too shall pass.

On Friday, I was asked to be in a close friend’s wedding. And while she isn’t getting married until April (in Los Cabos, Mexico), I need to start now. It’s not that I am that fat (although I am), but it takes time to lose weight in a healthy way (opposed to snorting my dinner and supplementing it with 3400 calories of liquor) Oh, and did I mention the other bridesmaid is a size two with perfect breasts? …Or that the bride herself is a size zero with perfect (albeit fake) breasts? …Or that I’ll be standing next to her brother, a model in NYC. Yeah, so there’s that.

While I have been in dozens of weddings, this one is different. Not only do I have to be stuffed (literally, I’m sure) in a dress picked out by a size 0, this wedding is also an elite guest list of people I've known nearly all my life. My friends and I have forever been held to a certain standard and I certainly do not want to be the dissappointment of the bunch. It's bad enough I am an engineer and not a doctor (I wish I were fucking kidding - 2 dentists, 3 doctors, 1 lawyer and me).

Obstacle 2: Finding a Date. Everyone attending is either married or in a serious relationship, with the exception of yours truly. With the added romanticism of the wedding being in Cabo, I REFUSE to go alone... and be this chick. Remember, this is a wedding with friends and parents I’ve grown up with, so I can’t take just anyone – he must meet the high standards of social decorum and class that is expected... or be really, really hot. Since I've had so much success landing this type of guy in the last 10 years, finding him in the next eight months should be no problem... especially when you're as strikingly good looking as I am. I have no doubt the pleasure of my company for four alcohol-filled days in beautiful Mexico is enough to draw in the right guy, but if not... All Expenses Paid.