Bad Joke

I am the only cousin over the age of 12 who is yet unmarried. Correction: I am one of two cousins over the age of 12 who is yet unmarried. I am also the only cousin over the age of 12 who still reads at an eighth grade level. Correction: I am the only cousin (age not a factor) still reading at an eight grade level (damn "gifted" brats). It should also be noted that the other single cousin, Chris, has been absent (conveniently) from every family event since we were 14, leaving me to the wolves. To be fair, most of my family members over the age of 12 are nice enough not to point out the fact that I am desperately alone... and fat... and have smelly palms. Which leaves the ever inquisitive 8 and 12 year-olds.

8 & 12: How old are you?
Me: Twenty-five.
8 & 12: Why aren't you married?
Me: Because the president won't let lesbians get married in this country.

What possessed me to say this? I have no idea. What possesses me to throw dog crap at people I work with? Again, I have no idea. I don't even know what kind of reaction I was expecting to get from an eight and a twelve-year-old. I wish I could say that this conversation was and intimate moment shared among cousins, but it was not. Quite the opposite, really. Although it was said to the two young girls, it was heard by all.

Thank God my parents laughed... only not very long... and not very heartily.... and the entire time they were shooting me the look, "You are kidding, aren't you?" Once my parents heard only themselves laughing and stopped, only the faint sound of crickets and a distant train could be heard. I scanned the room looking for a friendly, comforting, even amused look. Shit. Most of my very liberal Catholic family just stared at me the way you stare at schizophrenic midgets but the few conservative Catholics could've had a bowling ball slip in their mouths and not know it. I'm not sure what happened; my family is very fun and good humored and this reaction was one I would not expect from them. After far too many seconds of awkward silence, I finally broke the tension and announced, "I'm kidding! Dude, it was a joke - seriously, I'm not a lesbian." Everyone made a half smile chuckle and went on about their business. Later that evening the talk of weddings came up and I was asked what I wanted. Now, I don't really know but I was sure whatever I said included the word husband, guy, man, or simply referenced past boyfriends. Even so, what followed was designated members of the family approaching me, one-on-one, reassuring me that if I were a lesbian, the family would be supportive. Shit - I think I may have gone too far.

Before I left, I again reassured my parents that I was indeed a heterosexual female who liked sucking cock and eating pussy.... wait, not that last part. That is the last time I make a sexual orientation joke... and I should probably stop bringing women home and having sex with them, too.