You're Catholic?!!?

The week started with a 4:00 AM and tiresome Monday; after working 14 hours, I went to church. I know what you’re thinking – Nicole goes to church?!? Yes, assholes, I'm constantly trying to prove to you people I have a soul. Noteably, it was the mass for the Sacrament of Penance & Reconciliation and as you are all well aware by now, I have quite the laundry list of things to be forgiven for. Since I go to confession on a fairly regular basis (mostly out of necessity), I don’t often go to this particular mass. But, since I skipped church… and fornicated… and masturbated… and was gluttonous… and… well, lots of other acts to vitiate my wholesome character, I figured I was due.

Well, the service was short and people’s confessions were moving along until... wait, maybe I better back up, I have forgotten my audience for a second… for those of you unfamiliar with the whole Sacrament of Reconciliation (Confession) thing – it’s a pretty in-and-out matter. You go in, you ‘fess up to your sins, the Priest assigns a just penance, and you leave… it’s an easy three to five minute process. Oh sure, if you only go to confession once a year or so, there may be a little more time in the “‘fess up” part – but still, seven minutes TOPS. I am a nerdy engineer and there is only so much time you can lose yourself in prayer until you finally wonder what in hell is taking so long (pun intended) so I calculated averaging confessional time to be right around 3:30 – not bad. But as the mass went on, the times got a little longer, but not significantly – not until a couple of real dildos, anyway. They were there for a solid 14 and 17 minutes!! Seriously, WTF? Someone like me - sure, 17 minutes is not necessarily out of the question, but you should've seen these guys. There is NO WAY that God had anything on these two – they were total momma's-boy type dorkos, one was even in that night's three-person choir for heaven’s sake! Maybe they just need to lighten up on themselves… or stop having homosexual sex with each other… or at least stop confessing to having homosexual sex with each other anyway, as the Church sorta frowns on that. But, mass ended and since I was hungry after freeing my body of the binds of sin, I treated myself to a gluttonous Italian beef sandwich... and fries... and a shake... and I masturbated in the drive through... Shit.