Christmas Countdown

Happy Friday everyone! It’s a good day to be alive… and no, the delightful mood is NOT because I got laid last night, not by something without batteries, anyway. It’s Friday and I have very little planned for the weekend. Ok, I have nothing planned for the weekend. Hmm… wait a minute; I do have a couple things this weekend, neither of which should put me in such a chipper mood. Damn. Tomorrow is Saturday (duh), and I have to wake at 5 o'clock (AM, not PM) and drive a coworker, her sister, and her kid to the airport. ‘Tis the season, shitheads. I can’t remember the last time I woke up that early on a Saturday… and I’m not including the countless times I’ve been passed out at the bar and my friends were waking me to go home. And by “friends,” I mean custodians. And by “bar,” I mean alleyway leading into the bar (I’d been kicked out hours ago).

On Sunday, I also get the surreal pleasure of waking early so as to have plenty of time to tailgate before the Bears game… at Night (7:30 PM)... in Chicago… in December… in the blowing snow and below-zero temps. I don’t even like the Bears!!! But, I will soldier on (pun intended) and pretend I can still feel my nipples. (Oh how I miss you, Metrodome.)

When it comes to gifts, I am pretty fastidious and I try never to look a gift horse in the mouth. Unless of course it's my parents, they owe me. But let’s face it, sometimes gifts fail to hit the mark. So in the spirit of giving and getting, here is

Friday’s Five Worst Gifts I’ve Gotten From Loved Ones:

29) Paternal Grandparents: Clown earrings… really, mini clown faces. Not so bad if I were six, but I was fourteen.
24) Mother: Toaster… it wasn’t a Dualit or Cuisinart or something really nice like that, nor was it something I’d even asked for. I thought it was going to be a cappuccino maker.
83) Uncle: Rocks. Apparently, they were part of some lame-ass fossil kit.
27) Aunt: Birds of North America Flash Cards. I really wish I were kidding, but she was into the whole Audubon Society thing. On the up side, though, my Dad and I taped them to clay pigeons and used them for target practice.
89) Boyfriend: A Blacklight. Nothing says, “I love you,” quite like a fluorescent lamp with phosphor coating, does it?

Have a great weekend, y'all. I'll probably check in, but if not, see you Monday!