Totally Cramping My Style

As a general rule, I do not like to talk about the workings of my body; this includes such things as bowel movements, black toes, intestinal disorders, and orgasms. As many (ok, two) of you know, I occasionally bend this rule. Today is one of those days.

I had to take a couple operators on a field trip (60 miles away) to check out some equipment I want to purchase for the facility. Mid-presentation, I get some of the worst stomach cramps of my young, hot, amazing life. It wasn't a "I think I need to go to the bathroom or my ass will explode," thing. It was a "Who the fuck is drilling a corkscrew through my lower intestines?" thing. As a woman, I have experienced killer cramps before and as a nut-job, I've also been crippled with stomach ulcers - this was different. My whole body ceased because the pain was so intense. It was most similar in intensity of the pain I experienced when my left nipple was stapled to a bathroom door in Amsterdam (don't ask). Here I was with two operators (one being the hottest guy at the facility - not that it's saying much) and two salespeople in the middle of a warehouse. After what seemed like 18 minutes, the pain subsided.... only to return. I finally excused myself for a moment (awkwardly) and went into the bathroom - nothing. What wrath had God punished me with??! I know I masturbated three times yesterday, but since when did He start punishing me for that?! I splashed some water on my face and returned. After one more 'episode', the cramps mysteriously stopped. WTF?

In other news, I am still getting little itchy bumps on my body. I hope the man whores I've been fooling around with lately haven't given me something.