911 Dating
Again, very little time today but the second part to this is that Saturday night was not the first time I have ended up in the emergency room with a date nor was it even the second time, but the THIRD damn time. Seriously, WTF? Let's review...
November 27, 1999: Date cold-cocked at movie theater. 7 stitches
October 30, 2004: Date took a hard shot playing football. 5 x-rays, 2 CT scans.
November 12, 2005: Date caught knife with hand. 1 pint of blood, x-rays, 4 stitches.
Is it a curse, is it fate, is it love, is it God punishing me for having sex with my teachers in high school? It's an anomaly for sure. When it happens once - funny story to tell the grandkids, twice - a total fluke, but three times!?! One theory is that maybe I'm a bad date, which I clearly doubt, but I hardly think it's reason to send yourself to the hospital?! Or, as DJ suggested it's the opposite - a play on my emotions because all girls play into a guy who gets hurt... or has a puppy. But who are we kidding, hospital or not, if you feed me and start spinning a hot Rick Springfield record, there's a pretty good chance I'll make out with you anyway. (After all, I've taken a knee for less).
November 27, 1999: Date cold-cocked at movie theater. 7 stitches
October 30, 2004: Date took a hard shot playing football. 5 x-rays, 2 CT scans.
November 12, 2005: Date caught knife with hand. 1 pint of blood, x-rays, 4 stitches.
Is it a curse, is it fate, is it love, is it God punishing me for having sex with my teachers in high school? It's an anomaly for sure. When it happens once - funny story to tell the grandkids, twice - a total fluke, but three times!?! One theory is that maybe I'm a bad date, which I clearly doubt, but I hardly think it's reason to send yourself to the hospital?! Or, as DJ suggested it's the opposite - a play on my emotions because all girls play into a guy who gets hurt... or has a puppy. But who are we kidding, hospital or not, if you feed me and start spinning a hot Rick Springfield record, there's a pretty good chance I'll make out with you anyway. (After all, I've taken a knee for less).
What I have learned:
- Always know a route from date venue to nearest hospital.
- There is no such thing as privacy - gowns really do show everything and a hanging 30 thread count sheet is neither "private" nor a "screen".
- A full morphine bag fits easily into a Dolce&Gabbana handbag and is a huge hit at parties.
- There is no such thing as privacy (again) - nurses will ask anything, in front of anyone, at any time.
- Upside: breakfast in bed. Downside: lunch and dinner in bed.
- Rex asked Mimi to marry him, unbeknownst to him that she had aborted his baby and a jealous Jan is going blackmail Mimi. (Who doesn't love Days of Our Lives?)
- After 25 years, you can find out you're missing a kidney.
- Despite what you might think, sex is not the furthest thing from your mind.... although an English breakfast is. (I know no one will get this)
- Your dark sense of humor is never appreciated.
- No matter what, your hospital roommate has a way more fucked up life than you.
- And yes, an injury when used properly can be a man's "golden ticket".
posted by Nicole @ 12:56 PM
2 Comments:
At 11/15/2005 8:26 PM,
Alex said…
I've got three comments;
1) October 30, 2004 - I was overindulging in beer at a pre-Halloween party in Madison, WI.
2) English breakfast - eggs, sausage, tomato, beans, toast, mushrooms? It's not as good as an Irish breakfast - eggs, sausage, rashers, black pudding (blood sausage), white pudding, beats, toast - and it's Protestant free.
3) I got hit by a car while riding my bike when i was in college. I got a girls phone number at the hospital. Good times.
At 11/16/2005 8:47 AM,
The (IRON) Clyde said…
I just got a papercut, what does that get me?
On a side note, my biggest accident was when I was 6 or 7....my friend had a Darth Vader helmet (which covered your entire head) I wanted to wear. So I put this thing on, jump on my bike (why? I don't know) and proceeded to run into the back of an UPS truck because the helmet had shifted and I couldn't see out of the eyes anymore...knocking myself out cold for about 45 minutes....
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