"Nicole will not be bought..."

I've recently received an invite to Finland. Finland?! - more like, Funland!! I’ve never been to the Nordic lands and since I'm such a sucker for seeing new places, I'm totally stoked - but there’s a catch. There’s always a catch. I was invited by a "male friend", Leif (who has the most Nordic name ever). And no, I have not slept with him. Although I’m good... real good, I’m not THAT good. Well, yes I am, but whatever. I met Leif while he was in graduate school and I in undergrad, he was a friend of a friend, you know.

He contacted me out-of-the-blue while I was in graduate school and repeatedly drove the 500 miles to see me, twice just to take me to dinner. But, for a number of reasons, I just wasn’t that into him. Since I was super busy with grad school and then starting a new job and moving, then trying to make it in the adult entertainment industry before it landed me in rehab for the second time, it was easy to blow him off without really breaking it off. He stayed in touch, touched himself thinking of me, and offered to visit me in California and now too, here in Chitown. I’ve made light of it, told him I'd joined a touring Big Band troupe, and have politely made efforts to put him off. But holy crap, the stakes were really raised with Finland. I know I said I can’t be bought – but it’s FINLAND!

So, the question is, “how much of myself do I have to give up for this?” Sure, there is the sexpectation factor, but I’ll give that up for a turkey sandwich, so the sex doesn’t bother me. To his credit, being the gentleman he is, he wouldn’t expect it. (I can hear the men scoffing at that already, but fuck you - he wouldn't.) What I mean is, how long after the trip do I have to pretend to like this guy? And sometimes, he really gets on my nerves. So, is the scenery of Finland beautiful enough for me to forget I am with him or better yet, have the ability to tune out the STUPID things he says? Should I pay back the money I stole from all those elderly relatives? What is ham loaf and why does it burn when I put it on my privates? There are just too many universal questions that need to be answered. And to think the biggest decision you had to make all day was which porn to download.